Beer Open 2023

(Written by John Prouty)

1:30 - Darren Tait, Todd Weiss, Tom Melzl, Buddy Lee

It’s a Parking Lot Wang!
I hope Weiss, Melzl, and Lee are on point with their outfits because if there is one thing I learned this summer it’s that Tait LOVES to take pictures on/of golf courses. I even got a pic from him recently that was of a golf course that he was driving by on a highway in Germany. Not making that up. Let’s hope for this teams sake that ol’ Ansel Adams puts down the phone occasionally to actually hit some shots. Could be contenders but I’m getting mid-table vibes from this group.

Odds 20-1

1:40 - Brian Byrne , Jon Szafranski, Archie, Matt

Shirts On
Not a lot of intel (or even last names) on this group but what we do know is that the late scratch of their 4th (Brando) has dramatically increased their chances of winning by decreasing the amount of shenanigans they’ll be getting into out there. Is it worth it? I’d say no. But that’s coming from a guy who hasn’t won this thing since the iPhone came out (the original model). So what do I know.

Odds 30-1

1:50 - Craig Gantar, Jerry Brankin, Big Willy, Bobby Jersey

Jeff Spicoli
I just read an article where Sean Penn claims that Will Smith’s Oscar slap would not have happened if Volodymyr Zelenskyy had been invited to the ceremony. I’m not making that shit up. He also apparently gave the Ukranian President one of his Oscars hoping that he would smelt it and use it to make bullets to shoot Russians with. The lesson here is that we really need to stop asking actors their opinion about real things. Well I’m mentioning this because there is a guy referred to as “Big Willy” in this team and so I’m assuming it is Will Smith. For the record if “Big Willy” ends up slapping the host of this years Beer Open during the event, I’m fairly certain that not only will he be welcomed back for all future Beer Opens but that he will be given the trophy on the spot. Unfortunately, that is probably the only way these guys are taking home any silverware.

Odds: 100-1

2:00 - Roger Rhomberg, Kevin Sarsany, Brendan McLaughlin, Mark Menacho

Feast or Famine
Well we know that Rhomberg and Sarsany are sticks. I’m fairly certain that I saw a suspicious looking box with Cyrillic writing on it peaking out of Sarsany’s golf bag earlier this summer. He claimed that they were just vitamins that he bought off of Instagram, but since the head of our drug testing committee (again, Brando) won’t be joining this year we’ll never know. Brendan and Menacho have both won and contributed in the past, we’ll see if they can do so again.

Odds: 2-1

2:00 - Chris Prouty, Bill Bush, Jim Scibek, Andy Phil

Golf GPT
I don’t know if anyone has figured out a way to use AI to win golf tournaments yet, but my bet is that these nerds are trying. Very solid team. One defending champion (the real Beer Open happened in Sand Valley last year, and yes most of you fools weren’t invited) and these other guys have made the podium as well (I think).

Odds: 4-1

2:10 - Dave Bennett, Dave Willsey, Jeff Adaire, Justin O’Reilly

The Legend of Broken Wing
They say that you learn something new every day. Well I recently learned that the “bursa sack” is like our gall bladder, in the sense that it can be removed from our body and we can function the same way as we did when it was in our body. Willsey is claiming that he will only be able to putt as he has had this “obstruction” removed, but I’m not buying it. Pain is just a construct to this guy. Regardless, he should be applauded for his dedication and commitment. This is a solid team with a couple guys (Bennett and Adaire) with a lot of recent success in this competition. One to watch

Odds: 5-1

2:20 - John Prouty, Sean Regan, Scott Mathieson, Bret Mathieson

The Blind Leading the Color Blind
Chris Prouty will tell you that one of my superpowers is my ability to lose things. It’s true. I left my dignity somewhere in 1998 or 1999 and it still hasn’t turned up. Also - I lost my only pair of functioning glasses in a ball pit last weekend in an attempt to scare the hell out of my children and my new pair has not yet arrived. Thankfully my brother-in-law (Scott) is color blind and qualifies as handicapped under Title IX, The Americans with Disabilities Act, and Beer Open by law 14.9.4b. So he get’s to tee off from the fringe of every green. In the immortal words of Mark Grace, “if you’re not cheating, you’re not trying”. This team still probably doesn’t stand a chance because well, I’m on it. Apologies in advance to Sean, Scott, and Bret.

Odds: 1000-1